I really think they should move out and rent awhile and find an alternative way to take care of the MIL. I Hate My Husband: The Reasons Why When a couple gets married they imagine that they will be loving and happy during their life. Sell my house Quickly; SELL YOUR HOME FAST; i hate my husband because of his mother. It is possible that you hate your husband because he stopped being responsible. They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? Talk to your husband about what he means by caring for her. I like to believe I would never have gotten into it to begin with. You fight over the most trivial thing and give no room for mistakes. Right now I hate my husband. It happened to my cousins daughter, although she wasnt pregnant. Some of the over the top descriptions (impaled from a knife on the counter?!? something random TaraMonster You can also take the advice of many marriage counselors and therapists if you need more enlightenment. , RedRoverRedRover We've always had communication and problem resolution issues. So you talk to your husband and you move out. I'm laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger. . We expect it to be a perfect partnership between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. My husband blames him for being an absent dad. June 18, 2015, 11:02 am. Who the fuck cares? Its really easy to theorize what it is like taking care of a wacko (through no fault of their own). Start by doing the following: The goal is to make your husband understand your feelings and save your marriage. She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. June 18, 2015, 11:04 am, That has to be so amazing to have your mom so close with your baby on the way , honeybeenicki Dear Wendy Most wives hate their husbands because they hurt or offend them. We were always made responsible if our youngest sister got angry or had a tantrum. Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. Fair enough. But hatred for ones spouse doesnt surface for no reason. If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? Why do I feel like I hate my husband? Maybe because he stopped making an effort to look great. Of course, but he is not obligated to sacrifice his life or his happy home for me. I grew up in a family that didnt make the human body sinful or sexual in nonsexual situations. That is pretty much human decency to help your parents out as they age and cant handle everything themselves. But now I get it- Husband promised his mother to take care of her, like, physically, not just help out and such. Not My Promise. He talks to his mom about it. I like Wendys suggestion that the letter writer finds a way to honor her obligation to her mother in law in way that doesnt dry her out from resentment year after year. This step requires you to be thoughtful and open-minded. Not only does she sound like a danger to her grandchildren or anyone else living with her, which youve made clear is your concern, she is a danger to herself. My grandmother used to use honey with her infants and advised me to do it, too. I just read your comment again. Love is what we expect in a marriage, so a dislike for our spouse makes us anxious and stressed. The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. This is why I love this site any arguements due to misreadings are address and moved on from quickly. However, things have changed now. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. Wouldnt you want the same or is everything supposed to benefit you in some way? Ultimately, your husband has to decide to change. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. I agree compassion is often the best tool when dealing with difficult people. June 18, 2015, 8:22 am. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? In fact, someone else may be a far better option. Taking responsibility can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. You might hate your husband when he does something you dont like. Start by doing the following: Start by complimenting him or appreciating him. It sounds like LW did not know what she was signing up for when they moved in. For instance, you can initiate revisiting where you first met each other or go on a vacation to a new place. It was her idea to live with her MIL because she needed her, and know that she wont she just plans to leave her to her fate, and make her husband leave her too. Apparently she moved in with their dad when he left. Before, you considered each others blemishes, and you werent judgmental. She could have written in about the husband and issues with navigating her MILs care and left everything else out. Its impossible to prepare families for what dealing with a R Hemisphere stroke patient will be like and Ive seen my fair share of long term marriages fall apart when once spouse has this type of stroke. with yourself. You complain, complain, complain about everything you have to do for her and how grossed out you are by her and about this horrible promise your husband made to, gasp, care for his ailing mother, but wouldnt you want your kids to show some care for you if you werent able to care for yourself and they were in a position to help out a little? ChickenNugget Effective and intentional communication cant be overemphasized. It was only once I started eating more fruit in my adult life that I started liking sweet treats more. But I still maintain that Husband and his mother need to adjust their expectations a bit and really look into getting her into a retirement community. I want to weigh in here. Having worked with many stroke patients, the behaviour described sounds very typical. Im not saying it will be easy or that she will agree without putting up any resistance, but your husband, and maybe even your FIL, should be the ones sorting that out while you SUPPORT him in a loving way. They are inseparable. That would help a lot with the hygiene. And sometimes ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion. While I can appreciate how stressed and overwhelmed she is, I absolutely think shes acting with a kind of entitlement and lack of compassion that needs to be called out. . Id say, yeah, she needs to run like hell and find her own place before she burns the place down cause shes walked off and left the stove on with food cooking on it. There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. LOL about the almost impaled my pregnant belly on a knife comment. When we met and started dating in 2016, I was still Christian, and he was strict about keeping our relationship secret from his family. Elderly people often lose the capacity to properly care for themselves, and if she was already mentally ill, or even eccentric, Im sure the issue is exacerbated. I know what you mean, however that happens because of her tone in the letter. As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? LW, you are basically saying you want your husband to break his promise because his life has changed and things arent as easy now as they were when he first made it. Raccoon eyes When you approach this you HAVE to have some empathy. Thats her fault not the MILs. Was she not in touch with the woman? And we even asked a contractor about the possibility of putting in an internal door in the future just in case. Hes feeding her a line. . Turns out my daughter had tried to wake him up for juice, his mom told her not to wake him and that she would get it for her. Sorry, but is the MIL is that bad off, she belongs in a place where she can be looked after 24/7 and there senior citizen apartments that have such care that comes with them. She definitely needs to be called on that. New activities offer a change of environment, which in itself can make you feel closer to your partner. Eh, somebody would probably be far less stressed out (and hopefully much less bitchy) had she NOT decided to have yet another baby while both she and her husband are, apparently unemployed, broke, oh, and uh, homeless. The very day we got to her house she began accusing us of taking things, and just finding any and every complaint she could find to make. She always signed my birthday cards, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write. I mean, think about how you would want to be treated by your own children then apply that to your parents or your partners parents. Im absolutely not saying it would be okay for her to cut ties from the MIL when she and her husband are finally able to and leave her to fester without getting her proper care, but I totally can understand how the LW feels so panicked about the situation, and how she doesnt want to spend the rest of her life continuing to live in the same house as her MIL, as it seems her husband wants to. Have some compassion and dont treat people like inconveniences when they are helping you out financially. However, don't dwell much on it. She doesnt live with us anymore and I never reach out to her. I wouldnt exactly be thrilled to live under those conditions either. . It is absolutely wrong to leave her to her fate. Finally, you need get your own place and move out of your MILs house. Certain events can jerk us back to reality when you find out your soulmate is flawed and imperfect. It would be best to intensify your effort to draw your partner closer in marriage. I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right there, almost touching me. It really puts her in a terrible light, in my opinion. That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . Much of the therapy I do with these particular patients involves forcing them to confront the deficits that they refuse to see in themselves since their strokes. I agree. ele4phant, Im with you. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. To pay for a home she would need to sell her house. April 1, 2017, 12:51 pm. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. Everyone has a unique personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs, and morals. In essence, you can hate something or someone you love from time to time when things dont go your way. Oh, I have no doubt shes overwhelmed. Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. I was thinking the same about the honey thing. Giving these up takes away some of the excitement from your relationship. I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. Someone just left it carelessly, is all, and the configuration of the kitchen meant you could come around the corner without seeing it. Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of Wendys ideas? June 18, 2015, 4:50 pm. (Right?) They probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL so her condition was a surprise. something random This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. It does make me think the FIL has a point about her exaggerating safety issues as an excuse to try to get what she wants. I am not saying she should take care of the baby alone, but there are ways to say things. Its really not that hard. Unless she like nailed the knife to the counter and booby trapped the kitchen Indiana Jones style, Im pretty sure you were just annoyed it was left out, which is reasonable, but jesus. Why do I hate my husband? The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. Of course its not a good idea to leave knives sitting out, especially with a child in the home but even if she ran right into the blade of a loose knife, it would have just slid over or gotten knocked off the counter. And I wasnt even the primary care giver! Do I hope that he still makes time for me and does what he can to help in my hour of need? I have to agree with all of the people who chimed in about mother sounding like a very typical right hemisphere stroke patient. something random Youre willing to make the enormous sacrifice of living rent-free with your horrible MIL now, while you cant afford your own place, but as soon you have a job and wont need any of her finances, you will no longer be willing to make any kind of sacrifice when it comes to her and believe your husband should break his promise to take care of her? And I feel bad that this column is being published right when shes having a baby, but this is when she wrote to me. You might dislike cohabiting with your husband because you dont see him as your friend. And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. It sounds like she may have lasting effects from her stroke (judgment issues, memory issues, etc) and who knows, maybe she has other issues as well. They had to know going in what the situation would be like, but hey! . Are you happy within yourself? Those arent excuses. Hiring live in care, or convincing your MIL to move to an assisted living center nearby where she can be taken care of by people who are equipped to do so may be the most benefical to everyone, particularly her. Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. Love is more enjoyable when the two partners are on the same page. If your husband is not able to be the caretaker for both the mother and the kids, is there anyone else in the family who can help out? I think this letter writer is giving off the impression of being a bit self-centered and entitled and it might be helpful to point this out to her. 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